random thoughts…from steven

A few days back, we completed our filming for the last episode of Big Daddy. 6 episodes have gone by really quickly but it’s been fun and that’s largely because I’ve been able to work on a topic that I have a personal interest in. Being a parent is a crazy, happy, awesome experience. Your kid can take you to the top of the world and also to the depths of the earth and it can all happen within a few minutes. One second they are screaming their head off and suddenly they stop and there is this big smile on their face. It really is a roller coaster ride but one that I would not trade for anything.

I’ve told many of my friends this – you never realize how much your parents love you until you become a parent yourself – it’s true. Ask any parent and they will tell you how the love they have for their child is one that is boundless. It knows no end and it never ends, it just keeps on giving.

My daughter Lucy is now slightly over 2 years old and she’s at the stage where she understands things and has learnt to ask for, or more accurately, demand for the things she wants. It’s easy to give in to those demands, but it’s hard to say no. We’re still trying to find that balance so that she learns that life doesn’t always give you what you want.

Parenting is a funny thing. There are many books out there to give you advice, many experienced people to tell you how things should/ could be done. But you know what, I believe the experience is different for each and every parent simply because no two people are the same – and that applies to children as well. Why should they be? Isn’t that what makes us all such unique and exciting individuals? And that’s the main lesson I’ve learnt from my 2 odd years of parenting. Everyone will have their own version of how things should be done but what works for them doesn’t always work for me and may not work for you either.

The relationship each parent has with their child is a special, unique, one of a kind relationship…no one can ever replace that. Even between husband and wife, the child will develop a different relationship with each parent. And in my opinion, it’s most important during the early years. So I figure I’ve got a good chance to hang with her till she’s about 8 years old and by then there will be many, many other distractions for her.

Knowing that, I’ve decided that the relationship is one that is too important to put on the waiting list of things to do. My career, the new house or car…all that pales in comparison. I’ve got these few good years to make sure I get the foundation right and I’ve going to seize the day so that it doesn’t slip by. There is no second chance for something like that…

I’ve been reading the comments that have come in and it’s great to hear the different perspectives we each have on our time serving the nation. Yes, it is mandatory for all male Singapore citizens to go through military service once they turn about 18 years old.

Like with many things in life, the time spent in National Service can be a “good” or “bad” depending on what you choose to make of it. So if you start off with the idea that “no good can come out of this”, then truly, it will be that way. On the other hand, if you choose to make the most of it, it really can be a great learning experience.

That being said, there are times when you will be pushed to the limit both physically and mentally during military training. It’s all part of the process, you have to push yourself to the limit so that you can grown beyond that. BUT, and it’s a big but…you have to know your limits. No amount of medical tests or checks can keep you totally safe if you choose to ignore your own warning signs. So it’s really a matter of knowing how far you can push yourself. Of course it’s easier said than done with some officer screaming at you to keep going, but hey, that’s his job, to keep you going. So when it comes time to stop, that’s your call, you are the owner of your body.

As for medical checks and tests, it’s hard to say when there is enough or perhaps even too much of it. Very often a test may show nothing and there is no medical technology that can envision what will happen in the future to your body. So my stand is that it’s really up to you to know your own limits.

On that note, I wrap up my musings on national service with just a final note to say that my personal experience was a good one and it continues to be as I serve in the reserve. I truly learnt a lot and fostered many strong friendships that I know will last the test of time. 

It’s a pity to hear about the 2 national servicemen who recently passed away here in Singapore. I feel sorry for their families and I’m sure they will soon be asking why Singapore even bothers with National Service. After all, it’s not like we will ever go to war and even if we do, we’re so small, what can a few hundred thousand soldiers do?

I just want to offer my opinion on that because I personally think National Service is a good thing especially for a country such as Singapore. Why? Well, most of us have grown up in such a sheltered environment so we’ve never had to “test” ourselves. Ironically the Singapore government has done such a great job in providing for all of our basic needs that so we’ve never had to fend for ourselves and in some way, we have not learnt to be as resilient as we should be. 

But National Service you ask? Yes and for me, it was one of the best learning experiences I have had in my life. I admit that it was a big switch for me going from the comforts of my home, friends and family to an environment where, as they used to say – “you are the scum of the earth” (though I’m sure it’s no longer politically correct to say that). So the switch was drastic, not to mention losing your hair and being made to wear some of the most awful camouflage shorts ever designed. As a kid coming from a safe, sheltere, comfortable background, it was scary to suddenly meet guys who were totally different. And I think that worked both ways, meaning the well to do kids were afraid of the “hokkien pengs” (thugs) and vice versa.

It was a growing up experience for me and I made many friends and learnt many important lessons. For instance, I learnt that it was the “hokkien pengs” that would stand by you if you earned their respect whereas the “rich kids” would generally be more self centered. And the first few months of basic military service is where it’s really all about team work, so you learnt quickly who your real friends are.

And it is really such life lessons that are important. In every aspect of life, we relate to people and being thrown into such a place and being forced to learn to get along, you mature quickly. Furthermore, the bond that is created among your peers is one that cannot be replaced. To this day, some of my closest friends are from my time in Officer Cadet School. 

National Service is not the best way and by no means, the only way to gain such maturity, but for a small country like Singapore, I think it’s an effective way. Love it or hate it, it often depends on what your attitude to it is. If you wish to make the best out of the time, it can be a fruitful experience. If not, then yes, it will be a long painful 2 years…

It’s still all a bit new to me, this whole blogging thing. I’ve been trying to get the page to look better but haven’t quite figured out how to work the galleries and photos. And here’s the thing, when you blog, is it just personal rantings and musings, can I really just speak my mind on anything and everything? 

That’s where I tend to be a bit more cautious. I feel that as a “responsible” adult, you can’t just speak your mind as and when you please for no rhyme or reason, you’ve got to have something to back that. So if I don’t like something, someone, some cause or don’t agree on some issue, well, I can speak about it but I should have my reasons for doing so. And in fact, the best kind of criticism comes with some solutions too. So be critical but also offer resolutions. It’s not always possible but at least it shows you’ve thought things through.

Anyway, I figure I’ll have a mixture of stuff on this blog. For me, my world has a few dimensions – there is the world (because that’s my job), then there is what’s happening at home (with the family) and then there is what’s happening in the community and church (the volunteer stuff).

Just last saturday, we launched the Citibank YMCA Youth For Causes programme. Now into our sixth year, it’s been a great way to get youth involved in the community. Here’s how it works. Seed funding of S$1600 is provided for youth to create projects that will benefit a charitable organization. This could range from doing a simple car wash to organizing a major concert. And all the funds raised will go directly toward the charity of their choice. So I’ve been involved for the last few years helping organize the event and also as one of the judges for the selection of the initial groups and later on for the final winners in each category. Anyway, that’s it in a nutshell. Curious – check out www.youthforcauses.com

Got to run…the little one is pouncing on my keyboard and making it really hard to writttee….

The Big Daddy male parenting series kicked off last week and it seems to have done pretty well. I guess it’s about time we had something talking about the man’s point of view on parenting. And it’s not the big things that are different, but the little things. Most fathers will have their own set of tips that may be a lifesaver for those “child screaming” moments.

The tough part of the show has been finding the profiles. Asians are still quite private people and sharing your family with the rest of the world is not something everyone will readily do. It takes a certain type of person. This was especially so for episode one when we were looking for house-husbands. While there are quite a few men out there who are stay at home dads, not many want to really “advertise” that. I guess it’s partly due to the fact that we are not really ready to accept the stay at home dad. If I ask anyone, they say it’s great, but if I asked you if your husband, your son or your brother should be a stay at home dad…it might be a different story.

Then of course, there is the question of paternity leave. Women get 3 months off work to care for the kid and rightfully show because it’s not as easy task and 3 months is just about the minimum any new family will need to get started. So why should it be only the woman getting time off? Sure, some companies give a few days off to dads but it’s not law and not every company does it. I had one day of paternity leave when my first born arrived. It is far, far too little time… I’m not saying we should give fathers 3 months off, but for a start, let’s go with at least 3-5 days. 

The first few days home are the most important especially if it is your first child. Everything is new and every task from feeding to bathing to sleeping is still a new task that needs to be learnt. So to leave the wife home alone for that period of time is just not the best idea. Yes, some have confinement ladies and some folks have maids, but really, isn’t the father the best person for such a task? Should not both parents be around as much as possible? Parents should be the main caregivers for their children.

Anyway, that’s it for now. There is more to come. I’m learning a lot from the different folks I met. There is no guidebook to parenting because it will be different for each and every parent. What works for you, may not work for me.