random thoughts…from steven

The debate on starting a family and having kids is one that will continue to plague us for many many years. There is no “fix it” solution out there simply because it’s about personal choice and short of making it law, we can never control what people do or do not want.

The Singapore government has thrown a very sexy package of incentives to parents to encourage them to have kids. Great, I say! I’m a parent and plan to have another kid so these benefits are great for someone like me. But what about those who were not considering having kids, would this make a difference? Or perhaps a more accurate question is – would this get them to start thinking about the possibility of having kids. And my answer is yes.

So in that respect, the incentives have worked. If it’s got people to start thinking about the option, then it’s a campaign that has worked and really that is all the government can do to get the ball rolling.

It’s amazing being a parent! Really, I speak from what little experience I have. I have a three and a half year old daughter and she is such a joy to have. I cannot tell you how much we love her and until you have a child of your own, you’ll never know just how much your parents love you. Honestly!

But these days there are so many distractions out there. I once met a man who told me he was from a family of 8 children. I looked in disbelief…and then he said half jokingly - ”my parents didn’t have a TV!”

Yes, these days there are many distractions. And as a young single person or worse still a DINK (double income no kids) your lifestyle is quite simply – awesome! Cash in hand, no added responsibilities, you eat at nice restaurants, buy what you please and you can just pack up and go for a holiday as and when you please. So why would you want to have a kid and give up that lifestyle? 

I can only say – think long term.

What is a family gathering if it’s only the two of you? It’s just not the same. Sure, there are friends and all, but honestly, your own children and later their children, bring about an atmosphere that cannot be replicated with just friends.

My parents today have 7 grandchildren and I think it has really given them a second lease of life. They spoil the kids rotten, they play with them, they take them to the park, buy them ice cream, sweets, toys…they do all the stuff we tell them not to. They have added a festive mood to the home by their bubbly laughter and cute one liners. These children are helping them create more wonderful memories, some of which will probably resurface at their wedding!

On the flip side, the grandparents are a good influence on the children as they help pass on good values and teachings. 

So all in all, I say, just keep an open mind to having kids. Don’t think of it as hard work or time lost. Sure, you may miss out on some things but when you weigh them against each other, there is simply no comparison. How can a night out compare with the love from another person?

So if you’re wondering where I’ve been and why I’ve been misssing from work. Well, believe it or not, I got hit with HFMD. Yep, that’s Hand Foot Mouth Disease, the thing they say only kids under the age of ten largely get. So what am I doing with it?!!!

My daughter caught it first and so we kept her home and away from others, but I guess since all reports say adults are very unlikley to get it, I did not think much about it. Then I got the fever, then a few spots appeared and then my throat got really painful and some ulcers developed in my mouth. Yep, my super young genes had kicked in and got me sick! My friends have been teasing me saying – at least the bug still thinks you are young!

But it’s taught me an important lesson in humility. Don’t underestimate something just because it rarely happens to you. I can think of the many times I’ve shrugged something off simply because I thought…well, there is only a 10% chance I’ll get it. Or when H1N1 was really spreading and at times I told myself, it’s okay, no need to wear a mask. It is exactly during those moments when we let our guard down that things do happen. And this is especially so with medically related things. Viruses do not take a break, they do not go on vacation and for some reason, they know exactly when to strike.

So now when you head to the doctor and he’s wearing a mask and if the clinic you enter asks that you wear a mask too, don’t shrug it off. It just might a difference after all.

That being said, the little one is back at school and I can’t wait to get back to work. It feels like my life has been put on hold and things are just hanging in limbo. For the kind of guy I am, sitting around, doing nothing is hard…it’s very hard!

Ever since I’ve started this blog, I’ve written about quite a variety of things but over time I’ve noticed that none are as popular as the one I wrote about my time in national service. I think it’s because every guy has to go through it in Singapore and so it’s a topic that will always be relevant.

So I thought I might share a bit more about why I found value in my time at national service.

For starters, it gets you doing stuff you most likely would never do. So for some, the chance to fire a real machine gun or to fly in a helicopter with no doors might seem exciting. For others, the idea of sitting in a mosquito laden jungle in the middle of the night waiting for the “so called” enemy or the concept of digging up a big hole to “hide in” just seems rather stupid.  But either way, you do learn something from it.

I have thought both ways at different stages of my national service and many a time I thought myself smarter than the strategies they were teaching. You see the military has a strange way of making the simple seem complex and the complex seem even more complex. If you can polish a boot with one sponge, they’ll ask that you first use a stick to put on the kiwi, then the sponge to brush it and finally a cloth to clean what the sponge has already cleaned. Why? It’s about discipline.

It’s just like taking your driving test. You drive your very best, always check your rear view mirror, keep to the speed limit, do a full stop at the stop sign…then you pass and the next thing you know, you’re driving as if you’re the only car on the road.

So there is sense in the madness. We have to learn how things should be, we have to learn what is the ideal or model answer. If we do not aim for perfection, we will never even come close. Because we know that perfection is very rarely achieved but in order to try and get as close as we can to it, we then become creative. So we learn how to think outside the box and we learn to find ways to achieve goals that may otherwise be impossible. Anyone who has been through national service will tell you about the numerous ingenious way to achieve “almost perfect” goals. I’m not saying they are the best way to do something but they force you to adapt and to be versatile. You learn to use what you have around you to achieve a goal.

And that’s just like real life. Problems occur because things don’t go as they should and telling the problem to “go by the book” isn’t going to solve it. So we find ways to adapt and it is this versatility that helps us get by.

But of all the things I learnt, I learnt the most about people. I learnt more about relating to others and working as a team. I learnt the importance of earning the respect of others and it did not matter what rank or vocation you were. I learnt that in everything we do, people are truly the most important part of the equation.

So that’s it. For those who are about to go in, yes, you should be a little afraid, it’s a whole new world. But don’t denouce it before you’ve given it a chance. Make the most of your two years there. It can be time well spent or time totally wasted. It’s up to you.

In a strange coincidence, over the past few months I have come across a few people in Singapore who have told me that they want to instill patriotism in people. And it’s not just talk, they mean to do so with actual programmes.

I thought and I still think it’s an interesting agenda to have. After all, how do you create patriotism in someone? It’s like saying, let me teach you to how to “like singing”. Don’t you just like it or not?

But that’s not why I write today. I write because I’m actually more surprised that there are now champions of patriotism. And I say that with some pride.

Yes, Singapore did transform itself from a fishing village to the modern metropolis it is today, I can’t say I really feel for that because much of it happened before I grew up, I was born in the 1970s and by then Singapore was already fairly developed.  But from my 37 years on earth, with most of it in Singapore, I dare say we’ve turned a point and not just in terms of a physical transformation. Today there are many Singaporeans who are proud to wave the red and white flag and proud to tell the world they are Singaporean. I am one of them but it’s only been in the last ten years that I’ve felt this way.

I had the opportunity to pursue my university education abroad and at the time (early 1990s), I admit I was not an ambassador for the country. Maybe it was the singlish we spoke or the way we attacked the books, often forgetting that it was meant to be a learning experience and not a memorisation effort. There were many stereotypes that came with being Asian and I did not want to associate myself with them. At the time, being Singaporean was the same as being Asian and it did not help you stand out from that pact.

So I took great efforts to mix with students from other parts of the world, I spoke up in class, I asked questions…I did all the things they would not expect the Asian kid in class to do.

It is with that in mind that I now say we have changed and grown as a people and as a country.  Sure, we still speak singlish, but now many of us know how to “code switch” between the two, so we can speak fluent english when we need to and singlish is our own uniquely endearing way of speaking with fellow Singaporeans.

At the same time, I have grown and matured and now understand how and why many things are the way they are in Singapore. In some ironic sense, the young university graduate that returned with many idealistic notions has grown into a more mature and realistic adult…still with some ideals, just more tempered ideals.

Therefore to hear someone say they want to champion patriotism…well, I doubt anyone would have had that in mind some ten years ago. Yet at the same time, it’s a cause I actually believe can be achieved.

Today I am a father with a young daughter and a wonderful wife who though not Singaporean, has been warmly welcomed into the country. Had she not been, I would never have met her. So I say thank you to those who have helped make Singapore what it is today. And I hope that in my own small way, I can continue to contribute to a country that I know, will one day be my daughter’s too.

Imagine if you could not control yourself such that your every thought would be spoken out loud. Imagine that! It would be a very scary world and chances are you’d have no friends because they would hear the good and bad things you think about them! And the thing is – most of the time, the thoughts that are not expressed out loud are the bad thoughts.

A recent episode of House, one of my favourite TV shows, showcased a chap with this illness. He could not prevent himself from speaking every thought that came to mind. As a result, he alienated his wife and family, even though they knew he had this illness, it was still hard to bear.

But it got me thinking…what if our lives were like that. What kind of lives would we lead? Would we try to become better people? Would we try to think only good thoughts? It’s a crazy premise and of course, not possible.

Chances are, if I had the illness, I would just hide from the world. And if we all had the illness, then it would no longer become an illness. Being so frank and honest with each other would become the norm. But boy oh boy, what a world that would be. Imagine being told that what you are wearing looks horrid or that someone thinks you are really stupid or that you are boring…

So what is the reason for this blog entry today…to be honest, I don’t have a “moral of the story” ending. I just thought it was interesting because it shows how much of our daily lives are built on “being nice”.

But here is an interesting experiment of sorts…

The next time you think a “bad” thought of someone, imagine saying it out loud and think of the consequences that would follow. And also trying putting yourself in the shoes of the person being “criticised” and see how you feel. Not so great eh?

Well, it’s reminded me to think twice about my thoughts as well.