random thoughts…from steven

First up, I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who writes back with their views and comments about the stuff I post. I am very flattered when I hear people say they enjoy reading what I’ve written. But it’s even better to hear the different opinions and perspectives you all have. I am beginning to understand just how this virtual world works and I can see how it allows a level of freedom of expression that is accessible to almost anyone.

These last few days, I’ve had the chance to spend the full day with my daughter. I took time off because my wife is travelling for work. I’ve realized that the quantity of time cannot be replaced by the quality of time. So I’m sorry, but to all parents out there who say they spend “quality time” with their kids, you are only kidding yourself. To the kid, anytime is quality time so the more the merrier.

You see, there is so much happening in our world everyday and it doesn’t stop happening. Work may be challenging but I think the most challenging role we all have -maintaining and building the relationships we have with others.

Whether it’s your family, your friends or your colleagues, it takes pure hard work to keep relationships strong. Each person is unique and will have different expectations from their relationship with you. And different things work for different people. And just when you think you’ve got it sorted out, they go ahead and change so what worked before doesn’t any more. So it’s a constant “job” and one that you have to keep working at all the time.

But I enjoy doing that. I find it fulfililng to interact with people and I think to a certain extent, I feed off them. Let me explain. When you are with people, you talk to them, you share your thoughts/ opinions with them, they give you feedback, they share their side of the story…along the way, there are happy, sad, funny moments. So when you think about it, during that 30 mins of coffee with your good friend, you’ve just been through a bit of a roller coaster ride. Some days you leave feeling happy and uplifted, some days you leave feeling a bit down, but you always leave with something that you’ve taken from that time with your friend. So on those days you leave a bit sadder, chances are your friend may be a bit happier. They confided in you, you gave them encouragement and they leave with hope that things will improve, you on the other hand,  leave feeling a bit sad for your friend.

That’s how it works. Relationships are a give and take and that’s what makes the bond between us stronger. We grow with each other as we know more about each other and therefore we learn to care more for each other. To a certain extent, it’s like a job. But and a big BUT, the rewards are much, much better!

Now this could get into a philosophical debate, so let me stop here. I guess the way I see it, there are many things we can do with our lives and I think building relationships should be near the top of our list. Do you value your relationships more than your work? Have you ditched friends because of work? Who’s going to be mourning for you when you die, your job or your friends and family?

People are too darn important for us to neglect. But so often we do just that and we take them for granted. The thing is, without these people, we would really be nobodys. You could be the best at what you do, but if you have no one to share it with, what’s the point?

I leave you with two quotes that I think aptly sums out my view on relationships. I don’t know who wrote them but here they are…

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our heart. And we are never, ever the same.”

 

“You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry.”

The online world is one that is still quite new to me. Yes, I’m fairly net savvy, but when it comes to having a virtual life, I lag far behind. 

Why do I say that? Well, I took a look at several blogs only to discover that I’m not your typical blogger. I mean, the typical blogger pretty much just writes about anything and everything with updates almost every day. Its their way of venting, sharing, speaking to the world and for many it’s also a way to keep others clued into their lives.

I’m not like that, you see, I don’t really want the world to know what I’m doing. At least not most of the time.

So if I had to pick, I’m more like the first group who uses my blog to give my opinions on things. But I’m really old school in the way I do it. I find it hard to write about something without first vetting it several times. So when I do write something, I tend to give it a lot of thought and I let the writing sit with me for a few days. For example, I wrote the first draft of this on Monday but only published it on Thursday.

Why? Because very often, at the spur of the moment we may write/ say things that we have not really thought carefully about. Coming back to that same thought a day later or even a few hours later often gives us a more balanced view. I think I’ve saved myself many times (especially with emails) where a few hours of “calming” time has allowed me to see things more clearly thereby avoid a “put foot in mouth” kind of disaster.

And it’s funny because each time I re-read this, I still make little changes here and there. I think it’s a sign of age…as they say with age comes wisdom or is that procrastination? hmm…I wonder…

If you notice, much of my ramblings and ravings have to do with the family and children these days. To those who don’t have kids, you won’t get it, but to those who have kids, you’ll know exactly where I am coming from.

You see, somehow once a little one enters your world, he or she kind of ”takes over”. Check out any friend who is a parent and you’ll find their kid on their facebook profile picture, on their computer desktop picture, it fills 18 of the 20 photos on their phone, half the photos in the house are of the kid looking pretty much to same (to you, but not to the parents)…you get the idea.

This is a journey all parents take as they discover life with the new “third” wheel in the equation. It’s just so exciting that it does overtake many other aspects of life. And you know what? I say embrace and enjoy every moment of it as you only get to experience it once. Even if you have more children, it’ll be different because each of them are so unique and your experience with them will also be unique. At least, that’s what I think or hope will happen.

So to all out there who might be thinking of having a kid, then I encourage you to simply go for it. There will be no good time, no stage of life when you are finally ready and no amount of preparation can get you fully ready for what happens. You just need to take each day as it comes and in a miraculous way, it all works out. As long as you love them, they’ll know it and they’ll love you back too!

And here are some parting words from a man by the name of P.D. James - “What a child does not receive, he can seldom later give.” So keep on giving, just keep on giving…and it will give you returns in ways you cannot begin to imagine!

I’ve just come back from Melbourne having spent about 2 weeks there. It’s a trip we make about twice a year since my wife’s parents live there. So it’s nice to have family to go back to but I think this particular trip was special also because my in laws are quite a bit older. (My father in law is in his 90s!) It’s special because I think Lucy (my two and a half year old) was able to energize the house. She was a “noise maker”, but in a good way because I think she really gave them a new lease of life and of course, being grandparents, they doted on her - which she loved!

It’s also been an eye opener because you begin to see what it’s like for parents when all their children have left home and they are left on their own. My wife is from a family of 6 kids so you can just imagine the kind of “noise” that occurred on a daily basis. Then suddenly, it’s all gone, one day you realize the house is quiet and you’re back to where you were before the kids came. And it’s not like you prepared for it. You were so busy with raising the family and working that it creeps up on you and it just surprises you one day.

I got a small taste of that in the lead up to this trip because my wife and daughter had gone up 2 weeks ahead of me. So for 2 weeks, I was on my own. I left an empty house and I came back to an empty house and it really wasn’t the same. It felt like the house was far too big and pointless. Again a reminder that it’s not much point having all these material “luxury” goods if you don’t get to enjoy it with anyone.

And the great thing about kids is that they are not picky. They don’t judge people before they’ve met them. They don’t see age, race, gender…it’s all the same to them, so there is no discrimination. That’s why we speak about the innocence and purity of youth, unfortunately, it’s something that fades with time and we can’t “bring it back” no matter how hard we try to. Once you’ve been hurt, been let down, been disappointed by others, you can’t help but be more skeptical about the world.

It’s funny because it seems the more we learn, the worst life seems to get. From a very simplistic point of view, ignorance is bliss and life without all the complications of being an adult really is a lot more enjoyable. Think of a kid’s life..eat, sleep, play, eat, play, sleep…never a care in the world, how great is that!

So once again this time off has made me treasure my family more. I’m reminded of the importance of spending time with the people you care about. Too often we get caught up in the desire to achieve more, to earn more, to have better stuff…but do we really need it? Think of the happiest times you’ve had with your family or your loved ones…did that really cost you a lot of money? And imagine how great it would be if you could spend more time having those “moments” than spending lots of money later on trying to “recreate” those moments. A moment cannot be replaced or replicated. That’s why it’s a moment, that’s why it’s special.

The way I see it, I’m going to try and grab as many of those moments as I can…

Not too long ago, I wrote about paternity leave saying that there should be something put in stone to officially recognize the man’s role in parenting. Over the last few days, I’ve thought about it more and the more I think about it, the more I realize that it’s not just about the incentives given. Those help but it’s no use if they are offered but not taken. Let me explain.

We could have many parental benefits on the shelf for the taking but if our mindsets do not change then it’s useless. So whether you are offered 6 months, 2 months or just 2 weeks of parental leave, it doesn’t matter if you don’t get to take it.

So why don’t you get to take it? Take paternity leave for example in many Asian countries. There is a large dose of peer pressure from the other men who never take their paternity leave, if you did, you would be seen as the “weak” one. So not only do your peers look at you that way, your employers do too and it can affect your climb up the corporate ladder.

For women, it’s accepted that they need some time off to have the kid, but the longer they stay away, the worse it is for them. Some companies even choose to let go of female employees once it’s discovered they are pregnant. And even if their job is “held” for them, they may return to a lower position with lower pay. So again, they are penalized for having kids.

While many of us who have kids talk about how wonderful it is to have them, do we actually practice what we preach. So if you are an employer, what would you do if your wife was working for you? Would you penalize her for taking time off from work? Or if your son were working for you, would you take him off the race up the corporate ladder because he asked for more time to spend with his family?

We don’t seem to have a compromise, we say we want to be flexible but we don’t dare. In this day and age where much of our work happens on the computer, do we really need to physically be in the office those 8 hours a day? Can’t a mother be home and still work? Believe it or not, a friend who is enjoying this flexible arrangement working from home tells me that she actually spends more time working at home, than at work. The only difference is that it’s often late at night after the little one has gone to bed.

So here are some suggestions.

Firstly, employers should acknowledge the fact that their employees will go “missing” from work for some time when they have a kid and work that into the system. From the moment you hire a person, know that at some point during their career, they will need to take time off. Plan for this time and have an action plan that can be activated once you know someone is pregnant or when the delivery date is (for fathers). It sounds logical, but for some reason, many companies don’t practice this.

For the woman, you usually have 6 months to plan for it (since most report only after the baby is confirmed at 3 months) so there is no reason why that person’s job cannot be suitably “shared” or a temp staff brought into to cover.

For the man, with no current legislation, it’s up to you to decide how much time off he gets, but let’s go with the figure of 7 days. Again in this day and age, doctors can predict fairly accurately the actual day of arrival of the newborn, so again, there is lots of time to prepare for this. And if he’s just taking a week off, how bad can that be? If your company cannot survive without that person for one week, then you might want to rethink how you are running your company.

Similarly, some women can work right till the day they deliver, some women can’t. Some can be back at work in a month, others may need longer. And for all parents, the second and subsequent child will be easier, so again, time off for parents then could be shortened.

At the end of the day, it’s all about being flexible and willing to accommodate. Each individual is different and will have different needs. Employers and human resource departments need to realize this and be willing to actually talk to each employee to work out what is best for them.

But first, we have to be willing to accept that this “change” can happen and that we want it to happen. So we need to change our mindsets into one that embraces a work life balance culture and this often means putting the person before the job. It may surprise many, but we were brought into this world to live – so we work to live and not live to work.