Nov 20 2008
Growing up together
Recently there have been a spate of reports of horrific child abuse cases and I have to admit that I can hardly bring myself to read some of them. There was one that was closer to home about a man caning his stepson over 100 times in 2 hours and then there was truly frightening case of Baby P, a toddler who was abused for much of his short life and died of the most gruesome injuries. That case really disturbed me because my son Dante is basically the same age as Baby P and I flinch even when he as much as bumps his head… so I can’t even begin to conceive what it means to treat a vulnerable infant like that as a “punching bag”. I can’t even begin to understand what goes on in the minds of these parents, or the adults that were entrusted with his care.
This isn’t to say that ordinary parenthood is always plain sailing. I have 2 boys who are about 23 months apart and they can be very jealous of each other, to the point where I feel like I’m a referee at a particularly vicious football match. My 3 year old has had his fair share of terrible twos and threes as well - so I know all too well the anger and frustration that most parents have with their strong-willed preschoolers. A few times a month I catch myself on the brink of saying something that I would regret or spanking him out of anger and not with a motive to instructively punish. Which parent hasn’t felt this way? Especially after repeated defiance or disregard of the rules? In the words of super-nanny - I think we all need a time-out.
I love my children very much, but I have to say I’m finding out that parenting is a long and hard road. Most people are scared of the responsibilities and inconveniences of being pregnant and having a baby - but let me tell you, the French have got it right when they say, “Petits enfants petits problemes, grands enfant, grands problemes” (small children, small problems, big children, big problems). Watching and helping your children achieve more independence, grow up emotionally and physically are beautiful but punishing experiences. Each stage in a child’s life sees him or her having some pretty complex needs and there is no real rule book to help you deal with it. Every child is unique and special.
I don’t mean to scare anyone off, but I think that if you’re going to have a child you need to know what you’re in for. Sometimes I think one reason why child abuse happens in the first place is because these parents weren’t ready for the commitment, responsibility and challenge of raising a child. It’s one thing to bring a life into this world, it’s another thing to help nurture it into a kind, caring, thoughtful human being. Along the way though, you’ll find that it’s not just the child that’s growing - but you as well - and in ways you never imagined were possible.
Joanne Leow is a producer-presenter with Channel NewsAsia. She is married with 2 young sons and spends her free time reading, writing, swimming, doing yoga and cooking up a storm.