The Skeptical Optimist

When I first met Frenchman Franck Ibanez and his Singaporean wife Wang Meng Ngee and they told me they lived on a boat, I thought they were slightly crazy. Then they told me that their eventual plan was to sail around the world with their two young children and I began to seriously wonder about their sanity.

Honestly, most of us who have the privilege and responsibility of caring for more than one child under the age of 5 will tell you what a challenge it is even on dry land! So what more on a 12.5 metre long boat in the middle of the Indian Ocean?

As I got to know them though, I began to understand what Franck meant when he said it was a lifestyle choice. His rationale was that he wanted the world to be his home, the sea to teach its lessons to his children and a life that was pared down to the basic essentials. After all, there’s not much space for frivolity or luxury on a small boat that has to be stocked with the supplies for sea voyages lasting up to 3 weeks.

It was difficult not to be inspired by this almost romantic vision, while simultaneously feeling a little worried about how they were going to meet the unforeseen and unknown on their 2 to 3 year trip from Singapore to Europe.

Talking to Suzanne Jung and Steven Chia in the studio, Meng talked about how her journey began, “I thought well I’ve always liked to travel and what better way to do it than on a boat, because when you take the aeroplane, it’s faster but you don’t see as many places. On a boat you go to places like Chagos island where there is nobody there and you can’t take aeroplane to be there and you can just be free for a month with nobody telling you what to do, you’re able to fish, you’re able to swim on a whole beach for yourself.”

Franck and Meng spent about 4 years at the Raffles Marina in Singapore, planning their trip, preparing their boat and making babies. They set off for their grand adventure a little over a year ago, when their daughters Carmen and Julie were 4 and 2, and have sailed from Singapore all the way to South Africa.

Besides getting dengue in the Maldives and have their boat burgled in Mayotte, they seemed to be having a whale of a time. We kept in touch via their blog (www.constantesingapour.com) and the occasional long distance phonecall. They told of adventures with sharks, catching enormous snapper fish, meeting a wide range of sailing friends, braving storms at sea and dropping anchor at unspoiled tropical islands – things we could only dream of in our small little city lives.

Meng and the girls came back to Singapore recently to spend the Lunar New Year holidays with her family. Sun-tanned and happy from her seafaring life, Meng talked about how their unusual life had changed the girls: “I would say that I have managed to see how they developed in their self confidence that I don’t see in land children. They are very cautious when they are climbing on to things. Thankfully we haven’t had them fall overboard yet, they are really careful. They know where are their boundaries.”

The family intends to head to Argentina next where they might stop for a year or so before continuing on to North America and eventually to France.

(A shorter version of this article was published in the TODAY weekend edition 24-25 January 2009)

Tags: children, friends, sailing

In an age of inexplicable natural disasters that inflict unthinkable devastation like tsunamis and earthquakes, it seems almost crazy that humans should continue to fight against each other, killing sons, daughters, fathers, mothers, cousins, grandparents. Each day that I’ve read the news over the past 3 weeks or so, I’ve been confronted by tragic and often horrific footage coming out of the Gaza strip: badly injured children being rushed out of ambulances into poorly equipped hospitals, bomb ravaged landscapes, grief-stricken mourners at funerals, bloodied corpses wrapped in shrouds lined up in endless rows. You see a lot of tragedy and pain in a lot of news footage and after a while you sort of desensitize yourself as a means of self-preservation. Somehow though, as a mother perhaps now, I find it very difficult to get over what’s happening in the Gaza strip.

This is not meant to be a polemic about who’s to blame in the complex quagmire that is the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and I don’t even know how to begin to think about solutions for the violent impasse that has been going on for decades. In my opinion, both sides of enough blood on their hands to launch any number of war crimes tribunals. In situations like these in any case, at this point, does it really matter who we point the finger at? Innocent civilians are caught in the crossfire and more die every day in the most terrifying ways that can be imagined. What must it be like to know that nowhere is safe? Especially if you’re a child and are even more sensitive to this lack of security?

In the news station we often get access to footage that is more explicit than we deem it fit to broadcast, often images that are too disturbing are edited out for the sake of the viewers. I’ve edited some of this footage, and a lot of what I’ve left out cannot even be described here. Very often we think of war and conflict as this abstract happening that’s far away, and paradoxically in this age of instant reporting, blogs and 24 hour network news, it’s sometimes both farther away and nearer.

How do politicians and army generals think of abstract “operations” and “missions” and “collateral damage”? All I can see is the too small limp bodies of children, carried barely alive by grief stricken, hollow eyed paramedics .

Tags: children, collateral damage, gaza, news, war

In Singapore, when I tell most people that I’m 28 this year and have not one, but two young children, I’m usually greeted with gasps of surprise and disbelief. I know I buck the demographic trend here; most of my peers are either single or of late, married without children, with no plans to have any soon.

There are many reasons for this, especially from the women’s point of view. It just isn’t really possible in most cases to juggle work and childbearing and rearing without paying the price for it – either in time for yourself, your spouse or your ambitions. In my opinion, the government’s recent fairly generous reform of maternity benefits, childcare leave and tax rebates to encourage couples and especially working women to have children or have more children can only work in a limited way. What really needs to be addressed is work-life balance and how women pregnant or with children are treated at the workplace, in public and in private. Recent letters and articles in the papers like “Battering Ram or Stroller” really leave me wondering whether Singapore as a country is ready for a baby boom. After all, it takes a village to raise a child.

Sometimes when I read online or print responses of people who are unwilling to accord pregnant women at the workplace with benefits or feel that they should be penalised for taking time off work, I know for sure that they don’t know what it’s like to have a newborn, toddler, young child or even a teenager. No one, even parents themselves, can really tell you how hard the first few days. months and years are of bringing up a young child. No one can really describe not getting more than 2 hours of sleep at stretch for 3 months or how post-partum body chemistry is so volatile. No one tells you just how this new human being is completely dependant on you for everything, so much so that even if you forget just once to clip a fingernail or wipe a skinfold there will invariably be a scratched cheek or an unexplained rash. And no one can really convey what it’s like to have a child sick, wan, limp with a high temperature; or even the trauma of watching your careful doctor insert a needle that looks almost larger than a newborn’s vein into the tiny hand of your baby. Having children is a decision yes, but also a sacrifice, a challenge and an effort that definitely needs more than one pair of hands, or even two pairs of hands.

My own experience? Having two is more than enough for me at this stage in my life – maybe even for good. I’ve started giving away maternity clothes and baby wear to my friends and colleagues who are embarking on the brave new journey that is parenthood. I’m glad I made the decision to have my kids early; there are some things that I’ve definitely given up, like more of a nightlife or disposable income to do what I please with. But these are nothing compared to the pillowy cheeks and rascal grin of my 15 month old and the made-up songs of my 3 year old, sung at the top of his voice early in the morning. And they’re definitely nothing compared to the hug, kiss ritual at bedtime or the little voice calling out after me “Night Mummy, Love you Mummy”.

So why don’t I want anymore? I want to spend time with each of them individually, I don’t want to get a maid, and I want to get to know these little human beings that I made properly. The reality of the situation is, we have to be a two income family and I’m not sure that I’m cut out to be a stay home mother. Throwing more money at the situation won’t solve any problems, even giving more leave – which is the better of the two ideas. But really, what needs to change are the attitudes of the people around us, our colleagues, strangers on public transport and queues. In our get ahead or get left behind city, we need to stop feeling resentment for people who get different treatment for having children.

Tags: babies, children, government policy

Tags: children, death, memory, mothers