The Skeptical Optimist

It’s been a long and eventful 2008. Just in general with prison breaks, larger than life political elections, devastating earthquakes, horrific terrorist attacks and of course an unthinkable financial meltdown. It’s been a busy year for the news business - which means not a good year for the world in general. Usually most people look forward to the new year as a chance to start afresh, do better and feel happier - somehow though 2009 appears to be viewed with some apprehension. This is one of the few times that a buoyant optimism hasn’t really been the mood for the new year.

For me, I feel that 2008 was the year the world sort of speeded up, with more intense news coverage, more internet connectivity and use, more of just everything. When you live in a fast-paced city like Singapore, sometimes we often forget to look back and reflect or even just hold on to the past.

My kids’ daycare is moving premises, and on the last day of their time at the old centre we went to pick the children up and I gasped because they had completely taken down every single piece of artwork, every last poster, photograph, set of shelves, divider, curtain - and just white washed the entire space. It was as if the last 2 years of my child’s life in school had been completely wiped out. I mean, sure they are going to a new swanky daycare centre, with brand new facilities et al. But it was the casualness with which they performed this move and erasure that really struck me. After all, a lot of us have the same experience in Singapore; I’m thinking of schools, workplaces, religious institutions and of course homes that have just disappeared off the face of island without much afterthought. I often wonder what this does to our sense of belonging and memory. Singaporeans are a pragmatic bunch, fundamentally, but these constant erasures have to affect us in some way.

(As I write, there are a few days left to the bulldozing of a large part of the Seletar Airbase, a place known for its colonial black and white houses, tranquil atmosphere and community life. Just another casualty of progress of course. Just another blip in our speeded up lives.)

So this new year - I say, be optimistic, look forward and try not to be too bogged down by worries and fears. But at the same time, take stock and remember to look back and appreciate the places, people, memories still around you… in many more ways than one, life is fleeting and there’s no point if it’s not lived fully.

Tags: 2008, 2009, hope, memory

It’s that time of the year again, only this year there’s not so much anticipation for the new year and a great deal of apprehension for the current festive season. So much doom and gloom about the economy and the security situation is being reported constantly and it can really get you down.

For Primetime Morning I do some producing for segments on lifestyle which can include dining, shopping and arts and culture… While the buzzword for last year’s festive season was luxury, this year it’s definitely budget. Frankly, I don’t think that’s so much of a bad thing, too much excess can cloud our minds with the material and make it difficult to remember the things that are truly important: family, friends, quality time spent with loved ones and really just the simple things in life. It’s important not to see these as some soppy Hallmark card cliches and really think about what it means to be present with your loved ones. We are still really lucky in spite of crashing stock markets and plummeting property prices. Just think, tonight, most of us will have a warm comfortable place to sleep and probably a good meal with friends and family. What could be worth more than that?

Tags: 2009, counting blessings, family

Recently there have been a spate of reports of horrific child abuse cases and I have to admit that I can hardly bring myself to read some of them. There was one that was closer to home about a man caning his stepson over 100 times in 2 hours and then there was truly frightening case of Baby P, a toddler who was abused for much of his short life and died of the most gruesome injuries. That case really disturbed me because my son Dante is basically the same age as Baby P and I flinch even when he as much as bumps his head… so I can’t even begin to conceive what it means to treat a vulnerable infant like that as a “punching bag”. I can’t even begin to understand what goes on in the minds of these parents, or the adults that were entrusted with his care.

This isn’t to say that ordinary parenthood is always plain sailing. I have 2 boys who are about 23 months apart and they can be very jealous of each other, to the point where I feel like I’m a referee at a particularly vicious football match. My 3 year old has had his fair share of terrible twos and threes as well - so I know all too well the anger and frustration that most parents have with their strong-willed preschoolers. A few times a month I catch myself on the brink of saying something that I would regret or spanking him out of anger and not with a motive to instructively punish. Which parent hasn’t felt this way? Especially after repeated defiance or disregard of the rules? In the words of super-nanny - I think we all need a time-out.

I love my children very much, but I have to say I’m finding out that parenting is a long and hard road. Most people are scared of the responsibilities and inconveniences of being pregnant and having a baby - but let me tell you, the French have got it right when they say, “Petits enfants petits problemes, grands enfant, grands problemes” (small children, small problems, big children, big problems). Watching and helping your children achieve more independence, grow up emotionally and physically are beautiful but punishing experiences. Each stage in a child’s life sees him or her having some pretty complex needs and there is no real rule book to help you deal with it. Every child is unique and special.

I don’t mean to scare anyone off, but I think that if you’re going to have a child you need to know what you’re in for. Sometimes I think one reason why child abuse happens in the first place is because these parents weren’t ready for the commitment, responsibility and challenge of raising a child. It’s one thing to bring a life into this world, it’s another thing to help nurture it into a kind, caring, thoughtful human being. Along the way though, you’ll find that it’s not just the child that’s growing - but you as well - and in ways you never imagined were possible.

Tags: child abuse, parenting, strong willed children

We’ve just finished our live special for the US Presidential elections and I really did feel that in some small way that I was part of history. So much was riding on this election and it’s nice to know that in America, racial barriers have fallen somewhat and that there will be a black American First Family.

The one thing that really struck me the most was watching the President-elect stand on stage with his family and Joe Biden’s family  - here is the American Dream as imperfect as it may be in reality, brought to fruition. Just think of all the people who lived through segregation, discrimination and the legacy of slavery. It truly is an amazing time for them and for the future.

Sometimes it’s hard to fathom how deep this hole of a financial crisis goes. For me, I’ve been reading about doom and gloom for weeks now and through the bulletins know about bailout plans, capital injection and what this means for the markets… Still when somebody comes up with a figure like 700 billion US dollars or a phrase like “trillions have been lost over the past few days” - it’s just really hard to get your head around these figures.

Of course, economists and experts say that because we’ve just had some boom times, what’s happening to the market is taking a while to trickle down the ordinary folk. But trickle down it will, in fact, some are likening what’s to come to a tsunami. We’re already seeing the foreclosures in the States and back here at home the sad plight of retirees who lost their life savings unwittingly investing in Lehman Brothers.

Where I’m feeling it the most is in my portfolio which has gone down by over 30 percent on paper. I’m just holding my breath and waiting it out… But I can’t help remembering that it’s a real privilege that I can do so, that I had set this money aside for investment purposes and have other savings that I can tap on for emergencies. Frankly, I can’t begin to understand what it must be like for those retiring or about to retire, seeing their nest egg wiped out like that.

I’m no expert on economics, but sometimes I wonder whether one of the reasons why we’re in this situation today is the greater cultural shift to a greed based, instant gratification society. A few years ago, my mother, who is now a retired junior college teacher pointed out a difference in the students she had taught over the decades; when she asked them what they wanted the most from their jobs previously, they said the most important thing would be to help others, as she neared retirement, most of them had one word for her: money. I encountered this impulse myself when I was nearing graduation in the States, a lot of my peers were going to luxe interviews for investment banks on Wall Street and talk on the senior campus was thick with whether JP Morgan or Goldman Sachs paid better.

Now, I’m not saying that I’m immune to all this talk. Who doesn’t want a bigger more comfortable apartment or a nicer car? I don’t have a maid, but that’s mainly because I can’t afford to hire one and rent a room for her away from my apartment so that she has more space for herself. I ration out high end meals and cut back on clothes and makeup for myself… Still, I wonder how did we get here? How did we become a society so focused on where to make a quick buck through investing in risky securities? Where do we get off taking on jobs not for passion or for the difference they make in people’s lives, but for the money?

Tags: financial crisis, greed, investment banking, jobs, uncertainty

This is my younger son, Dante - aged almost 17 months. I think the gene pool acquitted itself quite well here….:) He has just started talking and one of his favourite and complete phrases is “I want milk!” - this is usually preceded by pulling you to the kitchen and pointing vigorously at the fridge. I nursed him until he was about 10 months old and then weaned him gradually off to formula (I found that goat’s milk went down best) and then to full cream cow’s milk.

I have to admit that I’m one of those compulsive parents who read ingredient labels like a fiend and try as far as possible to feed my children balanced, natural and where affordable, organic diets. It’s not easy, but we try our best. So I can completely imagine the anguish of those parents in China and their anger at the unscrupulous (can I use the word evil?) companies who used an industrial grade toxin to boost protein levels in diluted milk. Frankly, it’s really incredible that this could happen in the first place. For one, the people responsible for doing this must have some basic grasp of science, so by default they would know the consequences of their actions. It boggles the mind.

But it also highlights a greater problem in our increasingly globalised and complex food supply chain. It’s already fairly challenging to screen out suspect products and produce from countries like China but what of raw materials in processed food? There is just no way to make sure that chocolate bar that’s made in Australia didn’t get its milk from China. In my household, I’d stopped buying vegetables and fruit from China for a few years now, but even then, I can’t escape the fact that everytime I eat out in my favourite coffeeshop or hawker centre, that stewed cabbage I love or the kailan stirfry that I dutifully order are probably, inevitably from China.

Of course, most Singaporeans say that they trust the AVA here and that proper checks are in place. I don’t doubt that the regulatory agency is doing its job, and I’ve personally met some of the people there and I know they are very serious about what they do. But the truth is, tests are not foolproof for the simple fact that there are some things that most agencies would never think of testing for. In this latest case of melamine tainted foodstuff - the regulatory agency in China admitted that the idea of finding melamine in milk was so unlikely that they just didn’t test for it as a contaminant. That’s like trying to test flour for cement - you wouldn’t think it was there in the first place…

Most of all though, I worry for my children - their little bodies harbour greater concentrations of toxins and their organs are less able to cope with filtering out the bad stuff. What do you do as a mother, when they lookat you with trusting innocence and happily slurp up whatever is put in front of them on the table? As I wrote before, I try to buy organic most of the time and I avoid most processed foods - but this whole scandal has really left me with a bad taste in the mouth. How much trust should we give food labeling? When is 100% fresh cow’s milk not 100%?

Tags: china food scandal, food safety

I remember how horrified I was personally when the United States re-elected George W Bush after what was in my opinion 4 years of incompetence. In the run up to the election, I thought there was no way this guy who had dodged the draft, lied about weapons of mass destruction, given tax breaks to the very rich (etc) could beat the Vietnam war decorated veteran, intellectually minded and stentorian looking John Kerry… of course I was wrong.

Let me be frank about my liberal bias here: I read the New York Times daily and subscribe to the New Yorker and it doesn’t help that I spent my formative college years in a fairly left leaning campus where Republicans were treated at best as oddities and at worst as crazed pariahs. Till now, every time I meet an out and out Republican who seems like a really nice reasonable person, I can’t help but wonder - how did you elect the guy who with one decision is responsible for so many American military deaths, maimed veterans, billions in US taxpayers money lost to corrupt war contracts and I’m not even going into the biggest tragedy of all: the unthinkable number of Iraqi civilian deaths and the equally unimaginable trauma that this 5 year conflict has brought to the Iraqis. But I digress. I’m sure everyone has their reasons, they’re just not transparent or readily understandable to me.

What I wanted to write about was the new frenzy around the Republican Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin. Apparently, “white women” (talk about the racist undertones here) are rushing in droves to support her, so much so that Barack Obama is down in the national polls.

Let’s look a little closer at her appeal here: she’s got that frontier, never say die mentality of the Alaskan moose hunter, plus she has 5 children, including a Down syndrome baby whose condition she knew of prenatally and a pregnant teenager who at age 17 is going to marry the father of the baby. I can see her appeal to conservatives: her steadfast pro-life stance and her insistence that evolution may not be the right thing to teach little children in schools. I respect opinions of this group of people, in so far that, this is consistent with their world view and they are voting as such, fair enough.

But for the rest of the womenfolk in the US, and let’s face it, McCain did not nominate Sarah Palin for her foreign policy or even national policy experience or for her ability to be a worthy commander-in-chief (being photographed in military uniform with the troops doesn’t count) if he has a bad biopsy. He nominated her to peel of some Hillary Clinton supporters who were on the fence about Barack Obama and to invigorate the Republican conservative base.

So that’s what makes all this talk about feminist power and identity politics stink. So ok, she’s a working mother - but as one astute American mother pointed out : there are quite a few jobs where you can successful “juggle a blackberry and a breast-pump” (and I would add a pregnant teenager and 3 other kids) but Vice-President is not one of them. I don’t care what sexist labels you throw on me, they don’t work. I am the working mother of 2 young babies and let me tell you, I’m not vice-president and it is not at all easy. Multiply the responsibilities and consequence of my work a thousandfold and you get Sarah Palin and it’s looking pretty scary. This is a woman who preaches abstinence, but not quite successfully to her daughter, and someone who took a plane trip to give a speech in spite of the fact that her amniotic fluid was leaking. She also knew that her teenage daughter was knocked up and decided to accept the presidential nomination in spite of the fact that Bristol would be exposed to relentless critique from the media. What kind of mother does that?

These are not sexist comments at all. While McCain campers might cry: you wouldn’t ask this of a man! Let’s see- how many men running for national office have more than 2 kids, any under 1 year and can even get pregnant while on the job? This is not about gender at all, this is about who is the more competent for the job and who is able to focus completely on the task at hand.

I find it frightening that some Americans want “an average, normal working mother/family” to be one step away from the White House. We want our leaders to be the best of us, not the mediocre. We want them to have gone to the best universities or have a long experience in national and foreign policy. Just because a politician can relate and empathise with the ordinary man, doesn’t mean that his political leadership will be the best for the middle class or the blue collar worker: just look at those segments under the Bush administration.

So it’s disingenuous when Palin talks about 18 million cracks in the glass ceiling and and insult to Hillary. If Palin shows up her inexperience, her potentially dishonest portrayal of her time as Alaskan governor and generally dumbs down the debate on foreign and national policy by launching meaningless attacks on her opponents, then I would argue that glass ceiling is going to be much thicker than it was when we started in this American election season. And in the end, this ceiling is just in our minds, we should be electing people based on ability, vision and honesty not race, gender and political affiliation.

Tags: palin, politics, republicans, working mothers

In Singapore, when I tell most people that I’m 28 this year and have not one, but two young children, I’m usually greeted with gasps of surprise and disbelief. I know I buck the demographic trend here; most of my peers are either single or of late, married without children, with no plans to have any soon.

There are many reasons for this, especially from the women’s point of view. It just isn’t really possible in most cases to juggle work and childbearing and rearing without paying the price for it - either in time for yourself, your spouse or your ambitions. In my opinion, the government’s recent fairly generous reform of maternity benefits, childcare leave and tax rebates to encourage couples and especially working women to have children or have more children can only work in a limited way. What really needs to be addressed is work-life balance and how women pregnant or with children are treated at the workplace, in public and in private. Recent letters and articles in the papers like “Battering Ram or Stroller” really leave me wondering whether Singapore as a country is ready for a baby boom. After all, it takes a village to raise a child.

Sometimes when I read online or print responses of people who are unwilling to accord pregnant women at the workplace with benefits or feel that they should be penalised for taking time off work, I know for sure that they don’t know what it’s like to have a newborn, toddler, young child or even a teenager. No one, even parents themselves, can really tell you how hard the first few days. months and years are of bringing up a young child. No one can really describe not getting more than 2 hours of sleep at stretch for 3 months or how post-partum body chemistry is so volatile. No one tells you just how this new human being is completely dependant on you for everything, so much so that even if you forget just once to clip a fingernail or wipe a skinfold there will invariably be a scratched cheek or an unexplained rash. And no one can really convey what it’s like to have a child sick, wan, limp with a high temperature; or even the trauma of watching your careful doctor insert a needle that looks almost larger than a newborn’s vein into the tiny hand of your baby. Having children is a decision yes, but also a sacrifice, a challenge and an effort that definitely needs more than one pair of hands, or even two pairs of hands.

My own experience? Having two is more than enough for me at this stage in my life - maybe even for good. I’ve started giving away maternity clothes and baby wear to my friends and colleagues who are embarking on the brave new journey that is parenthood. I’m glad I made the decision to have my kids early; there are some things that I’ve definitely given up, like more of a nightlife or disposable income to do what I please with. But these are nothing compared to the pillowy cheeks and rascal grin of my 15 month old and the made-up songs of my 3 year old, sung at the top of his voice early in the morning. And they’re definitely nothing compared to the hug, kiss ritual at bedtime or the little voice calling out after me “Night Mummy, Love you Mummy”.

So why don’t I want anymore? I want to spend time with each of them individually, I don’t want to get a maid, and I want to get to know these little human beings that I made properly. The reality of the situation is, we have to be a two income family and I’m not sure that I’m cut out to be a stay home mother. Throwing more money at the situation won’t solve any problems, even giving more leave - which is the better of the two ideas. But really, what needs to change are the attitudes of the people around us, our colleagues, strangers on public transport and queues. In our get ahead or get left behind city, we need to stop feeling resentment for people who get different treatment for having children.

Tags: babies, children, government policy

There’s nothing like a good meal - whether it’s something someone has lovingly cooked for you or whether you enjoy pottering around the kitchen and fixing something exactly the way you want it. One of my favourite things to cook is softly scrambled eggs with just a bit of butter, maybe some goat cheese and herbs or a splash of full cream milk. I don’t cook many things better than my Italian mother-in-law, but this is one of them.

Speaking of Italian food - I just filmed another episode of this segment I’m producing and presenting called “Off the Menu”. For this segment I interviewed Chef Giacomo Gallina who has just set up a new restaurant called ‘Otto’ in the Red Dot Building in Singapore. Giacomo is pretty much the “godfather” of Italian chefs based in Singapore, having mentored some pretty big names behind the well established Italian restaurants here. He was a really nice, laidback kind of chef with sure, deft touch to his cooking.

We also had a chance to do a tasting!

I have to say, I’m also a sucker for a really good chocolate molten cake - as cliched as that may be. But Giacomo also makes a mean squid ink pasta and perfectly cooked asparagus with a rich and decadent cheese sauce.

Off the Menu is not just about food though - in fact it’s not really about the food per se but the stories and ideas behind the dishes and cooking styles. Over the past few months, I’ve had a chance to interview some culinary greats like Pierre Herme and Anne Sophie Pic (only woman in France to get 3 michelin stars) - and some homegrown self taught cooks like Willin Low. Plus I got to talk to a young but determined chef behind one of my favourite restaurants in Singapore - Sage. Jusman So is a man who really values honesty, especially in cooking and if you head down to his restaurant on Mohamed Sultan road you’ll see what I mean.

Do tune in to the segment - it’s on Tuesdays during Primetime Morning at 9.20am Singapore time. Otherwise, you can always head down to the website to catch the episode you missed. I hope you have as much fun watching it as I did filming it!

Tags: chefs, cooking, eating, good food, interviews

It’s 2 days to National Day and my elder son Luca has been asked to lead the pledge taking ceremony for his daycare’s national day celebrations. They were looking for a multi-racial contingent and my son was chosen because he fits into the category of “others”.

My children are half Italian and half Singaporean and from the time we had to fill in their details on the birth certificate forms till now, we’ve been struggling with how they fit into these unwieldly categories. Technically they aren’t Eurasian because their dad isn’t, so for now they are just in the hold all category of “others”. Then there’s the matter of ethnic costumes… every time Racial Harmony Day rolls around, we always get requests to dress Luca in a national costume. My husband makes a funny face and wrinkles his brow, but no good Sicilian national costume comes to mind, so one year he went in a Thai outfit, and this year we are debating between a Punjabi suit and an Italian soccer jersey….after all, they didn’t really specify whose national costume.

But I have to say, when we think about the list of countries we could see bringing up the kids in, Singapore always ranks pretty much near the top. It’s hard to find a country that accepts biracial or multiracial kids with no questions asked, with hardly a second look. Perhaps it’s because we are ultimately a nation of migrants, travellers, post-colonials, expats and converted heartlanders. I say converted heartlander thinking of my husband who has learnt how to negotiate the public transport system, knows the difference between a five room improved and five room advanced flat and enjoys durian and claypot rice. Most of all though, he’s started to see this as a second home - coming back from Italy the other day he mused that he was strangely happy to see Changi airport.

It’s different in Italy where a lot of emphasis is placed on a homogeneous Italian culture and race. There, foreigners are still often viewed with apprehension and skepticism. I remember the first time I went to the smallish town where my in-laws stay and how I nearly caused a little boy to fall off his bicycle because he had never seen a Chinese woman before. I think some of the people we encounter in the supermarket still think I’m the domestic help! And while mixed marriages like ours are on the rise, they aren’t viewed with the same acceptance as they are here.

Of course, it hasn’t always been a bed of roses - we’ve had our lot of bureaucratic problems and people who think all women who marry foreigners are sarong party girls! But by and large, most of the people I meet are happy for us and for our children, that they get to have unique views and insights to two cultures. For show and tell at Luca’s daycare recently, we sang some Italian songs to Luca’s class and it was great to share something different.

I produced an interview with overseas Singaporean author Wena Poon the other day on Primetime Morning and a term she used really struck me. She talked about “larger Singapore”, about enlarging the physical borders of Singapore to include those Singaporeans who have made their lives overseas. For me, I would include the Singaporeans who have chosen to enlarge our perceptions of country and belonging even from within our borders. Whatever happens, I’m sure that my sons will always be able to call this island home.

Tags: family life, identity, italian, others, singaporean